We asked nine characters from the upcoming “One Nation Under Godzilla” (a hilarious and patriotic sketch show) how they felt about fireworks. Here’s what they had to say.
“I don’t like fireworks they go boom boom and scare me borkbork”
- Boomer (ironically-named dog)
“Fireworks turn me on. My husband considers it cheating when I see fireworks.”
- Nina (nudist)
“Fireworks are ways for Russian spies to send messages back to Russia. So watching them makes you an accessory to treason. Every year on July 4th, they send a different message. This year, the message is ‘miss you guys :(‘”
- Lawson (FBI Agent)
“I’m completely indifferent to fireworks.”
- L1NDA (robot)
“I don’t like fireworks. I’d much rather be flossing. Not “flossing,” the American dance, but getting between my teeth with a string. I don’t do it for hygienic reasons, just for pleasure!”
- Magnus (joyful Danish man)
“Fireworks?!!?!! I LOVE FIREWORKS!!! I LOVE BLOWING STUFF UP. I mean... No. I don’t like them. I don’t need them in my life."
- Ron (pyromaniac) (Note: Ron relapsed shortly after we interviewed him.)
“Oh, please. Fireworks are for the middle class.”
- Francesca (socialite)
“Fireworks actually mess with the moon’s signals. It throws my mercury all out of whack.”
- Relative #4
“Believe it or not, fireworks scare me, too. I hide under kids’ beds while they go off.”
- Godzilla
Although these weird characters all have different takes on what it means to be American, they all agreed on one thing: fireworks suck. So instead of seeing fireworks for July 4th, come see these people (and dogs and monsters) for a show that will have you laughing and slapping your knee and ROFLMAO-ing.
“One Nation Under Godzilla” shows on July 2, 3, and 4 at 8pm at the Coalition Theater. Get tickets and tell your friends to return their sparklers.